You are the most shared award in the blogosphere today. And though you may have started out as a real nice way to spread bloggy love, well, something tells me your time is up. Some bloggers have (inadvertently) received you multiple times. And if they are to be polite, they will do as they are told, and share 7 private things about themselves, and then share you with 7 other bloggers. Again!
This Is like A Mary Kay Cosmetics Pyramid Scheme.
Or worse Yet – AMWAY.
Lets do some basic math here: You take one blogger, who invents The Versatile Blogger Award Blogger Scheme, and the very first 7 recipients immediately give it to 7 more bloggers. That’s 49 blogs hit with this indiscriminate award in one day. Now, the first 7 bloggers have fulfilled their obligation, and can now sit back and polish their cyber-award and gleam with pride. Ya’d think.
Those other 49 Award winners are so filled with glowing pride and Versatilistic Enthusiasm, they can’t wait to let everyone know they got this great award. They devote an entire post to letting the world know they are a winner, and eagerly share the joy! So, multiply by 7 again…
That is 343 Awards given out in just 48 hours!
You’ve just created a New Species of Blogger-
“WHAT?! Another Award? Well, F*#k me !!!”
But the epidemic just gets worse. Those 343 bloggers go ahead and honor 7 bloggers each. Keeping in mind that they know many of the same bloggers, some of the first recipients will, by the 3rd day, be receiving the Versatile Blogger Award for the 2nd time in less than a week. Okay – we are up to 2,401 Versatile Blogger Awards given out by day 4 of this Awarding Madness, that is, under perfect circumstances where every blogger immediately passes on the award -much like a virus or flu – within 24 hours of getting it.
DAY 5 = 16,807 Versatile Blogger Awards Awarded.
I realize you probably do not need me to go on doing the math, but as I have come to witness other bloggers annoyance with this award (check out Steve’s post over at Brown Road Chronicles, for his rather cocky take on being a recipient of the VBA, and other awards, here: http://brownroadchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/blogging-awards/ ) I choose, in the spirit of annoyances in general, to annoy you with more numbers. When those 16,807 recipients of the Versatile Blogger Award pass it on, (theoretically, immediately) then on the 6th day, you will find there are now
117 thousand,649 Versatile Blogger Awards Awarded
Lets just wrap this up now, shall we? By day 7, in a perfect Award World, 823 thousand,543 bloggers would have been bestowed this now rather less-than-auspiscious award, and YOU, lucky blogger, will have received it about 893 times. By the middle of the second week? This Bloggers Award Disease has infected the inbox of almost 2 billion – that’s BILLION - bloggers, awarding
1,977,326,743 Versatile Blogger Awards
That’s like Herpes.
My telephone Calculator will not allow input of more than 9 digits, so I will finally stop this mathematical madness. And if you’d like to help stop the Versatile Blogger Madness, join us in our crusade, and vote below. Finally retiring this award gives you Official and Approved Permission to ignore it and it’s demands.
ARE YOU WITH ME, BLOGGERS!
Let’s kill this thing already, shall we?
It’s the American Way.
PleaseFeel Free to Re-Post this as often as you can!
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oh, and before I forget, It’s time for this Months
Nominate your Favorite Risk-Taking Blogger Today!
Unlike Those Other Awards, This one is completely cool. Make your Noms Here:
You were warned. You were threatened. You survived the Rapture and a Governmental Grease Job. You lost 4 pounds. You gained 5 pounds back. You’ll never quite be able to stuff yourself into your special dress on Awards Night. The public humiliation alone should be enough to send a reasonable human being into prolonged hiding. But no. Not You.
You still showed up here.
Let’s face it. You want an award.
Below are the nominees. Vote once. No more.
May I recommend you actually check out the nominees work before voting? Just a thought.
All links to these pieces for your examination are listed at the end of this post.
So, there you have it. Check out the nominees, vote, be a real American. And cheat. Winner will be announced…soon enough.
Selected pieces and excerpts:
from jgavinallen, The story of Dung and Hot Stuff:
With one last burst of energy I intended to fly through the jungle. As my momentum carried me through a thorny vine, I ignored the scrape and torn strip of skin from my stomach. I was naked. Naked and at the mercy of this soon to be dead monster. A snort signaled the location of the tiger. He had moved to my side. The gods must be controlling his attempt for an easy meal. I knew that tigers would be the carriers of spirits. It is impossible to kill a tiger unless they wished it. A Green Hat once killed a marauding beast that preyed on a neighboring village. But he was one of the Warrior Monks from the West. They were linked to the gods.
Excerpt from Amy’s Zombie Tale, “you’ve been served” at Fix it or Die:
The dining room was full to capacity and more were lined up outside. Carlo couldn’t remember the last time the restaurant had so many patrons, but his memory wasn’t what it used to be. Low murmurs and the smacking, scraping sounds of customers enjoying their meals could be heard even through the heavy swinging door of the kitchen. Carlo smoothed a hand over his bushy mustache and hoisted the tray over his shoulder. He then pushed open the door with his free hand and entered the bustling dining room. At once, hands reached out to him, jockeying for his attention and pleading for refills. Carlo silently maneuvered around them, raising the tray out of reach.
The “Manager’s Special” had been a feature on the menu ever since the restaurant opened over ten years ago, but only a handful of people had ever ordered it.
Opening excerpt from Good Greatsby’s post, ‘Where were You when Osama bin Laden Died of Boredom while watching Vin Deisel’s Fast Five at a celebration Party for William and Kates Royal Wedding? :
In recent days we’ve experienced three historical events most people will remember their whole lives:
1. The killing of Osama Bin Laden
2. The royal wedding of William and Kate
3. The debut of the fifth Fast and The Furious film as the top movie over the weekend with $83.6 million–maybe not historically significant today, but historians will later mark the movie’s debut as the beginning of America’s transition to dictatorship as leaders realize citizens can’t be trusted with democracy when they make such terrible, terrible choices.
These are called “Where were you when…?” moments. We all tell stories about where we were and what we were doing when we heard big news, and the sights and sounds of our settings become indelibly connected with the event.
From accidentalstepmom‘s post, ‘The Most Unreliable of all the Fairies:
Saturday #5 lost a tooth and didn’t tell us. I only found out about it when he woke up sad on Sunday morning. Luckily we have a whole back story to cover the Tooth Fairy’s ass. Or throw her under the bus, depending on how you look at it.
#5: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come again.
CC: Son, the Tooth Fairy is the most unreliable of all the Fairies.
Me: Yes, she graduated at the bottom of her class in Fairy School.
CC: She totally would have flunked out if Santa didn’t help her cheat on the final.
Me: Because she never studied for her Fairy tests.
CC: She couldn’t; she was drunk.
Me: That may be why she didn’t come last night. She may have been too drunk.
CC: He. The Tooth Fairy is actually a man, did you know that?
Me: Yeah, he wears a cheap, ripped up tutu and you can see his leg hair through his tights because he doesn’t shave his legs.
CC: And his wand is bent.
#5: How do you know?
Me: Some nights he wanders in here when none of you guys have even lost a tooth, smelling like cheap whiskey and cigarettes and asks if I can break a twenty.
CC: Then he goes home to his tooth room and rolls around on top of his pile of teeth until he passes out. I’m sure that’s what happened.
Me: Why don’t you go put it back under your pillow and try again tonight?
And an excerpt from Pissykittyslitterbox, “If The Dead Could Speak, What would they Say?’
My mother in her youth was incredibly beautiful. She had an ear for music at an early age, picked up several instruments easily, and had a wonderful voice. This, coupled with the fact that she was so personable, had a flair for the dramatic, and feared nothing and no one, left little doubt that she was destined for great things, and nothing would be impossible to attain…but it was. The one thing she hadn’t counted on, the one thing she wasn’t strong enough to fight, was the love she found she had for my father after they met and he started persistently courting her. Within five weeks they were married, and he ushered her away back to Iowa where his family was, and away from the dreams she had of a possible singing career. There in that cramped small town he took her to where I would be raised, away from the mystique of Seattle where she had been trying to make a go of it, worlds away from the sunny state of Florida where she’d grown up, she tried to adapt to her new life with my father surrounded by his family, and began to have a family of her own…….. talented, but was forced to ignore it to do that which was expected of her.
Note: I wanted to nominate Madante’s piece on her mother, the Duchess, having a bad medical emergency, but Madante, I cannot access your archives the way your blog is set up. So for that, you’re totally screwed on this Months Fat Jerry Award.
Tune in early next month for voting and evaluation results! (I hope I win, and I wasn’t even nominated. Even so, I feel I still have a pretty good shot at taking the whole prize)
I would like to take this opportunity to announce my own persnickety contribution to the World of Bloggers:
The Fat Jerry Award
As you can see, my good friend Clint Eastwood was the very first recipient of this most prestigious award, and he holds it up with his Oscar, proving the degree to which he values The Fat Jerry among all other awards.
Now, Hold on there!! Before anyone goes all frothing at the mouth, begging desperately for information on how you might possibly have such a brilliant award bestowed upon you, I have taken the time to anticipate your questions, and have provided the appropriate answers, below.
There is much work to be done associated with presenting such awards, including ceremonies, press releases, gift bags, selecting hosts, the coolest A-List presenters and the proper designer dress.
The Ten Most Often Asked Questions About How To Win a ‘Jerry’
1. Q: How do I win a Jerry?
A: You must be nominated by your peers, or nominate yourself. Please include the link to the particular post which generated all of the excitement.
2. Q: How do I nominate some lucky blogger (myself) for a Jerry?
A: Just post it in a comment, here (for now) and typically, on the All NEW Fat Jerry Awards Page, at top of this blog.. The administrator will review your suggestions at month’s end. Then 5 nominations will be announced for readers votes. Modesty is not a requirement. (it’s a good idea to get your friends to vote for you, ay?)
Q: When/how often will the Jerry be awarded?
A: At month’s end.
Q: What other perks come with winning the Jerry?
Q: What can I do to bribe encourage you/others to award me the Jerry?
A: Write many pleasing and supportive comments, both here and abroad. Link often. Put me on your blog-roll. Butter me up in any way you see productive to your own ends. Should that involve me receiving free things in the mail (especially money), so much the better…
Q: What is the proper decorum for some lucky soul when accepting the Jerry?
A: Unlike the Oscars, you are not limited to 30 seconds to express your gratitude. You get 30 words. You may link back to your blog, for the rest of your exhaustive speech, if you so require. Also, wear the best designer dress your money can buy. For men, the best tuxedo, black tie only. Unless you prefer to wear a dress. No jeans. I expect you to show up clean-shaven and sober. Unless you are a country singer. Then…ya know, whatever.
Q: Where will winning the Jerry take me in life?
Q: What the hell is the Jerryanyway?
A: This administrator is insulted…do you not read this blog? That said, the Fat Jerry honors stealth, boldness, risk-taking, slippery-ness, perhaps seediness, those literary tramps and scofflaws. It is inspired by a particularly sneaky mouse I have much blogged about. One which defied convention and rules. One which remains uncaptured. Read about him under “Catch-A-Mouse”, sidebar→.
Q: Can an acceptance speech be nominated for a Jerry ?
A: Yes. But it better be wayyyy good!
Q: What qualifies you to bestow the Jerry on people, anyway?
A: Get off my site.
RATINGS and POINTS SYSTEM:
The Fat Jerry is nominated/awarded following an exhaustive system of judging that utilizes Ratings and Points, as Follows:
Humor: 20 points
Risk: 20 points
Cleverness: 20 points
Style: 20 points
Viewers Votes: 20 points
Submissions will be rated according to this system, with the full points awarded in each category only when perfection has been achieved. It’s a slide downward from there. The highest scoring of the final 5 nominees will be the winner. The Judges decision is *final.
The above should clear up all of your concerns and questions. Further queries will be ignored. Just leave your recommendations/nominations (with link) over the course of the month.
* (In the event of a tie, or the unlikely incidence of a challenge to the judges authority by an uprising of the masses, the ratings and points results used to determine nominees may be forcibly revealed and made public, for further analysis)
Well, I sure do hope this inspires you to write competitively in the coming weeks, thereby assuring yourself a chance in the finals. Should you write a particularly fine piece featuring mice, I am almost certain it will put you in the running, and probably ahead of the pack.