There are ten million more woman voters than men this year – but the “Undecided Single Female Vote” may well determine the outcome of todays Election. Being a single female who is on her way to the polls in a few minutes, and who is also still undecided, I thought I was probably maybe pretty much sorta qualified to speak for all undecided single woman voters across this great nation of ours. Oh, maybe not, I’m just not sure yet…
Will I vote for this guy ↓
Or will I vote for this guy ↓
It all comes down to the Unicorns.
If Mitt can promise me more unicorns in our Nations military, then I’m with him. You can never have too many unicorns in the service, I’ve always said. And as a responsible, single, Unicorn-loving American Woman, I think a politician ought to have a grasp on my unicorn needs. If Obama is the guy with the hidden unicorn army, then dude – I’m voting for you!
It’s obvious, isn’t it? If you’ve watched the presidential debates like any intelligent, god-fearing, well-informed single woman should have, you will have learned one very alarming fact: according to President Obama, we have fewer horses and bayonets in our military service today than we did in the year 1917. Though this was the most shocking news of the entire campaign, I do credit Mitt Romney with pushing Obama to reveal this truth to the American People under pressure during the third and final debate. By turning over every top-secret stone in Washington and ferreting out hidden facts from the Pentagon, Governor Romney has brought to our female attention that we are less safe today than we were in 1917, because we have fewer ships in the US Navy. And then the whole horrifying admission by the president that the horses have been fired from the navy, and the soldiers have thrown their bayonets overboard – this one fact has kept me up at nights ever since. Here are the exact quotes from that debate, the very exchange that will be weighing on my mind as I blow dry my hair, apply my makeup and pick out the right outfit to wear to the polls today. And the shoes – MY GOD! – what shoes do I wear???
Governor Romney: “Our Navy is smaller now than at anytime since 1917″.
President Obama: “I think Governor Romney hasn’t spent enough time looking at how our Military works. You mentioned the Navy and that we have fewer ships than in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets. (OMG!) Because the nature of our military has changed, we now have these things called aircraft carriers where planes land on them. They have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines.”
Holy be-jeezus! We have ships that go underwater, you say, Mister Obama? When the hell did THAT happen? How do ships go under water, anyway? That’s amazing! But, uuuhhh… Where do they keep the unicorns? Won’t they drown underwater? This single undecided woman voter has a lot to digest before she goes to the polls to vote in a few minutes.
For those of you who somehow missed it, here’s what I’m talking about:
Boy O Boy, am I upset about the shrinking size of our navy, the lack of horses and the shortage of bayonets… That Obama has somehow merged the two into one new, genetically engineered beast, the horse with the bayonet sticking out of his head (or Unicorns), offers me some comfort. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved unicorns. And also Pegasuses, the horses that fly →
I bet they could land on an aircraft carrier, no problemo! Also, those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. I’d like to see us enlist more of those in our Air Force. Also, I like the tiny hats:
Well, whatever I decide by the time I get down to the polls, I know it will also be a vote of confidence in ALL women voters! I have dutifully done my homework, researched our candidates, delved into their hidden agendas and know that I, like all American Women Voters, will be making the responsible choice today. And I am proud of all of us for that opportunity. To show the world we can vote. And that WE CARE. We care about horses. The unicorns. And maybe those flying monkeys. ALL of them. May we all vote with our patriotic conscience today. I know I will.