The Undecided Single Woman Vote on Election Day 2012

“DO I VOTE This way, or That way?”

There are ten million more woman voters than men this year – but the “Undecided Single Female Vote” may well determine the outcome of todays Election. Being a single female who is on her way to the polls in a few minutes, and who is also still undecided, I thought I was probably maybe pretty much sorta qualified to speak for all undecided single woman voters across this great nation of ours. Oh, maybe not, I’m just not sure yet…

Will I vote for this guy     

Mitt Romneys Modern Military Model

                                                                                       

Or will I vote for this guy ↓

It all comes down to the Unicorns.

If Mitt can promise me more unicorns in our Nations military, then I’m with him. You can never have too many unicorns in the service, I’ve always said. And as a responsible, single, Unicorn-loving American Woman, I think a politician ought to have a grasp on my unicorn needs.  If Obama is the guy with the hidden unicorn army, then dude – I’m voting for you!

Why?  

It’s obvious, isn’t it? If you’ve watched the presidential debates like any intelligent, god-fearing, well-informed single woman should have, you will have learned one very alarming fact: according to President Obama, we have fewer horses and bayonets in our military service today than we did in the year 1917. Though this was the most shocking news of the entire campaign, I do credit Mitt Romney with pushing Obama to reveal this truth to the American People under pressure during the third and final debate. By turning over every top-secret stone in Washington and ferreting out hidden facts from the Pentagon, Governor Romney has brought to our female attention that we are less safe today than we were in 1917, because we have fewer ships in the US Navy. And then the whole horrifying admission by the president that the horses have been fired from the navy, and the soldiers have thrown their bayonets overboard – this one fact has kept me up at nights ever since. Here are the exact quotes from that debate, the very exchange that will be weighing on my mind as I blow dry my hair, apply my makeup and pick out the right outfit to wear to the polls today. And the shoes – MY GOD! – what shoes do I wear???

Governor Romney: “Our Navy is smaller now than at anytime since 1917″.

President Obama: “I think Governor Romney hasn’t spent enough time looking at how our Military works. You mentioned the Navy and that we have fewer ships than in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets. (OMG!) Because the nature of our military has changed, we now have these things called aircraft carriers where planes land on them. They have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines.”

Holy be-jeezus! We have ships that go underwater, you say, Mister Obama? When the hell did THAT happen? How do ships go under water, anyway? That’s amazing! But, uuuhhh… Where do they keep the unicorns? Won’t they drown underwater? This single undecided woman voter has a lot to digest before she goes to the polls to vote in a few minutes.

For those of you who somehow missed it, here’s what I’m talking about:

Pegasus – the new Submarine-Aircraft Carrier Calvary Sea-Horse

Boy O Boy, am I upset about the shrinking size of our navy, the lack of horses and the shortage of bayonets… That Obama has somehow merged the two into one new, genetically engineered beast, the horse with the bayonet sticking out of his head (or Unicorns), offers me some comfort. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved unicorns. And also Pegasuses, the horses that fly →  

I bet they could land on an aircraft carrier, no problemo! Also, those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. I’d like to see us enlist more of those in our Air Force. Also, I like the tiny hats:

  Well, whatever I decide by the time I get down to the polls, I know it will also be a vote of confidence in ALL women voters! I have dutifully done my homework, researched our candidates, delved into their hidden agendas and know that I, like all American Women Voters, will be making the responsible choice today. And I am proud of all of us for that opportunity. To show the world we can vote. And that WE CARE. We care about horses. The unicorns. And maybe those flying monkeys. ALL of them. May we all vote with our patriotic conscience today. I know I will.

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9 thoughts on “The Undecided Single Woman Vote on Election Day 2012

  1. Love it! You really should publish a book!

    • Thank you, Madim Butterfly. And I agree. I really do seem to have a tight handle on the issues affecting us all in this election.

  2. Those flying monkeys always scared the heck out of me. We should try them on the Taliban. Good girl – go vote…..I’ll be watching with interest what happens to the south of me.

    • Just because you don’t live in this country doesn’t mean we can’t hire you as the new Secretary of Defense. You’ve got my vote! Flying monkeys over Afghanistan is just the type of surge our military needs to tip the scales in our favor!

  3. I have a vague memory from my distant past that unicorns and virgins (of whatever gender) are inextricably linked. It is also my understanding that both Obama and Romney have children – which probably places their virginity in doubt.
    So who will the unicorns (and you are right I have loved them and the flying horses too) answer to? And remember the unicorns are dobbers. Lose your virginity and thats it.
    I really, really don’t envy you this difficult decision.

    • Sorry, my fingers went all dsylexic on me. Please delete the phrase ‘for many a year’ from my second paragraph and it will probably make a little more sense.

      • Done! It took awhile for me to check back here and fix it. I hadn’t been aware that virgins and unicorns were interconnected. Either way, since Obama won, I think our new Unicorn Calvary is a sure-fire thing ;)

  4. Absolutely. We need those Flying Monkeys in our military. And if our defense strategists would read the original 1900 version of Wizard of OZ, they’d discover those pesky simians could be controlled by a Golden Cap. The holder of the Golden Cap could order the monkeys around 3 times, then it lost it’s juice and had to be given to a new person. So…all we need to do is get hold of that Cap and we’ll be giving “guerrilla tactics” new life. I suggest looking at Nordstrom’s. Last record of states the Good witch, Glinda, had it and you know how she likes sequined dresses.

    (glad to see you’re okay.)

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