NEW! Bat Turds, Vampire Druel and Zombie Farts (Advertisement)

Are Your Magic Potions not packing the wicked punch you had hoped for? Do your spells turn your enemies into millionaires instead of toads? Then we at Spectrum Woman Solutions have just the thing for you!

Introducing our Private Collection

 

Try our NEW bottled stenchy BAT TURDS, nauseating ZOMBIE FARTS and deliciously wicked VAMPIRE DRUEL - Great new magical essential ingredients for your Witch or Wizards cauldron to mix up the perfect brew! Impressive new flavors for the Foodies in your dungeon, or the Wizard with discriminating taste. Top Quality products rivaled by none! Sealed with techniques borrowed from Egyptian Tombists, and corked with genuine Romanian Dragon Horns, “recovered” from English Bogs where these dragons were slayed and tossed in the middle ages. We use no permits when hunting down our ingredients; all of our collectors gather under darkness of night and it’s quite illegal. We don’t care; we’ve been doing this since the days of the Druids, some 5 thousand years ago, and we’re not going to stop now, just because of a few lame new laws.

Our Private Collection Team letting their hair down in a Transylvanian Bat Bar

Bloody red Vampire Druel is collected under the most dangerous of conditions, with our teams traveling all the way to Transylvania to rummage through the Dungeons of the most famous Counts Castles, prying open their dusty caskets just before sunset, when Vampire Druel is at its richest and most potent. Sure, we’ve lost a few highly qualified collectors along the way, but hey – they should have been more careful. Safety is not our #1 priority – your satisfaction is!

Our Bat Turds are of the highest quality, we never skimp! Collected by our team of undead French Egyptologists from the Great Pyramids of Giza, this top-notch guano is dried under superior conditions, on top of the Great Pyramid under a Blue Moon during the Summer Solstice. It simply cannot be beat!

Bat Turds (rich in Omega 666′s) and Vampire Druel (a good source of other people’s Iron) just naturally go together. It’s a centuries-old combination that has been satisfying the pallets of European Gourmet Potioners since the earliest days of Witchdom and Wizardry. Works especially well when zapped with a pinch of our 100% Pyramid Dust, and a smathering of our NEW Zombie Farts (rich in potassium). Our newest product will be featured in an upcoming episode of Iron Vampire Chef: Transylvania! this Halloween season. Don’t be left out of the Morgue here – we only have a limited amount of these high-end essentials, and once they are sold out, that’s it. Until the next Blue Moon meets with a Summer Solstice over the Great Pyramid at Giza, that is – in another 466 years.

DON’T BE FOOLED by IMITATORS!

Since first introducing our incredible products back in 1666 – a great year for both the Plague, and Witches Potions – a few corporate patent scofflaws have tried to mimic and sell inferior products using our trade names. But be warned: Vampire druel collected in China is never as potent and mysteriously deviant as our own potion. And Bat Turds from Canada? Please. Canadians know nothing about Bat Turd refinement.

Other Unique, copyrighted and patented potions and ingredients available are:

* UNICORN BOOGERS – you have to catch ‘em first, then try to extract their boogers with that huge horn glaring you down right between the eyes!

* BUTTERFLY TEARS – butterflies are so delicate, that when you make them cry, they usually just disintegrate before you get a chance to collect their tears in the tiny crystal bottles required.

* BEES KNEES – contrary to popular belief, some bees actually enjoyed being pet, and petting them into a sleepy hypnotic state is key when ripping off their kneecaps – as witnessed in this video 

* ZOMBIE FARTS – all zombies stink, always, all the time – but you should just SMELL their rotting corpsey FARTS! Most of our collectors pass out just getting their pants down, before actually getting to the point of encouraging any really serious farting, some 1,392 actual zombie farts being required for the proper distillation process that goes into each and every 1/8th ounce bottle!

 

* FROGS EGGS – basic standard process here necessitates snorkeling in shallow waters of polluted creeks and ponds on sweltering hot summer evenings – then smacking the frogs off their pebble nests.

* EYE of NEWT – Ours is hands-down the BEST Eye of Newt you’ll find anywhere in the WORLD – guaranteed! We only heartlessly pluck the bright red eyeballs out of the rarest of Albino Newts – found only in the troglodyte caves of deepest, darkest Africa.

* PYRAMID DUST – this glittering Golden DUST is the result of centuries of trial and error, until our Master Pyramidists hit upon the perfect formula for grinding down the chunks of pyramids we stole and extracting the tiniest bits of gold, star-dust, and meteorite debris from the tons of boulder ore we go through. Before we started our unique process of making Pyramid Dust, the Great Pyramid actually had a pointy top, and all were covered in white marble. But we needed all of that to produce the finest Pyramid Dust in the World – for YOU, our valued customer!

More Magic Potion Ingredients will be introduced as they come into season – Look forward to our FAMOUS essence of ELF Whiskers and Powdered Reindeer Testicles this Holiday Season!

BUY ONLINE HERE Today! Orders ship out usually within 24-48 hours of receipt of your purchase, with the exception being special or custom orders. Or when Vampires suck all the blood of out of our crews necks. Or during a Pyramid Cave-In. That usually adds a few weeks to your order….   

Thank You for shopping with Spectrum Woman Solutions!

Order by the Case for a blood-letting Discount!

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Categories: 4 LAFFS | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

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9 thoughts on “NEW! Bat Turds, Vampire Druel and Zombie Farts (Advertisement)

  1. How I have missed your own particular slant on life (and death). It occurred to me while reading that perhaps you you may find some more reliable collectors of some of your more dangerous items in residents of the British Isles. After all any country which could invent the sport of bog-snorkelling, would have people queueing up to obtain more diseased versions of frog spawn and there is possibly a lucrative market for the toe nails from bog bodies.

    • Hah! Essence of Boggers – I’llinclude thisin my new springline! And those Bog Body toe nails shall make a fine seasoning for any witches stew. Have you got a recipe you could share? I promise not to steal it.

  2. So… are these… microwavable?
    Because if it gets any more complicated than that I just know I’m gonna have problems. :)

    • We are deep in our dungeounous labs working insanely hard on crafting “Artisan Potions” for you modern micro-waving warlocks and witches. You, who have abandoned the sensible burning hearth and boiling cauldron.Our current microwaveable versions cause spontaneous combustion, but we rather like that effect, and are in discussions to market it as such.

      Care for a free sample?

  3. Did you make this whole, incredibly cool diorama? You’re so talented! I’ll tell all my friends to come here for all their bat turd needs.

    • Thank you, ever so much, Peg. Your word-of-mouth advertising is the moldy-bread-and- spoiled-butter of of our business!

  4. I’ve been looking everywhere for Unicorn Boogers lately! Thanks for the reminder of where I can get them, and of your creative genius!!

  5. This is so ingenious. You have such a wicked sense of humor. I’ll begin saving my slugs…so you can milk them. (I love the bug-eyed skeletons the best).

    • Aw, thanks Barb! And I really apreciate you saving all of those fat Oregon slugs for me… doyou get those giant banana slugs there? I had them up in washington…slimy slug trails everywhere. blech.

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